I received this letter last week and was moved to tears as i read this. I could fee this nurses pain in each and every word. I read it aloud on my main page, Nurse Jessica Sites, and cried as I read it for my followers. I am going to share it here as well for those of you that missed it.
It’s 04 27 and I’m sitting here in the dark with my dog, quietly crying so my son doesn’t hear me. I know I can’t be the only person going through what I’m going through right now but I don’t know what to do with how I feel. Next month I will celebrate my 33rd year of being a nurse, helping injured , sick scared people has been a passion of mine since I was 8 years old. I was so fortunate to learn about compassion for others from my daddy who was a paramedic. When I was eight years old I went on a fire call with my dad, it happened to be a motorcycle accident where the patient was decapitated. It was at that moment in time, I can remember it so vividly (I can still describe to you the clothes I was wearing) that I knew I wanted to help others. I have been fortunate to work a variety of specialties in nursing from NICU, pediatric oncology, gynecological oncology, pediatric emergency room, pediatric trauma, and for the last half of my career I have been dedicated to emergency medicine and trauma. Throughout my career I have had the opportunity to hold many roles in nursing from bedside nurse to management but every time I choose to go back to the bedside, to be the one there for others at the darkest/worst times of their lives. I’ve had the honor and privilege to be there for a baby taking their first breath and to be there when a person takes last breath. I have chosen to be there for others over family celebrations, holidays, vacations because I felt it was an honor to be there for others. This last year of Covid has been the most taxing mentally and physically and every health care provider worldwide knows what I mean. No matter what anyone says until someone has spent a couple hours in our shoes they’ll never fully understand what it’s been like. When I was in nursing school I was taught to be the voice for my patient and unfortunately this past week being that voice cost me my job. In the mist of this pandemic everyone in healthcare right now knows we are being pushed above and beyond our limits. After several nights of patients not getting the care they deserved, my coworkers and myself being asked(told) to do impossible patient assignments-I spoke up. I did it quietly, respectfully, professionally and utilized the proper chain of command. In less then four days of calling the anonymous corporate compliance line I was called in to human resources at the end of my shift and told that due to patient complaints the organization choosing to “separate”. Prior to all of this I was the model employee that would change shifts when needed, would pick up extra shifts, come in for half a shift, stay late, change assignments for the better of the unit, received acknowledgment from administration for the patient care that I gave. I feel so lost, broken, and shame. The “complaints” that was used to “separate me“ from the organization were all witnessed by my coworkers or charge nurses. All of the three occurrences happened during a time that our ER was full, every hallway that a stretcher could fit into was full, and the lobby wait time was more than eight hours. My charge nurses and coworkers were doing the same things that I was punished for because we were being told by management “as soon as they are discharged get them out wipe down the beds and put a new patient in there“. I feel so betrayed for doing what I was told day one of nursing school-you are the voice for your patient. As an ER nurse you know not to expect breaks or adequate time to chart that’s just the nature of the beast but when you’re not able to give a medication for three hours because you have seven other patients that are Covid positive or PUI and even at your Best it takes five minutes to change your PPE wipe down your respirator before you’re able to put on clean PPE and walk into your next patient that requires a complete sepsis work up. How does administration expect us to care for patients that are very sick, requiring multiple IV medications, Breathing treatments or even mechanical ventilation, and the fact that they are isolated in these rooms alone because family members and friends are not allowed to be with them because of their Covid status but then add to that the shortage of supplies, the absolute exhaustion of the nurses doctors techs and shortage of staff but then to be pushed harder by our “leaders” to do more? Someone had to say SOMETHING!!!
And for that I am sitting here - scared betrayed and just wanting to be numb. The voice that I was always told to use - has me now questioning - did I do the right thing? No one will talk to me in fear that this will happen to them. I’m lost and broken. I don’t know what to do, I’m scared to talk but I’m more scared that I will go numb. I don’t know why I felt like you might be someone that could understand how I feel, I don’t know. Thank you for at least listening.
What in the actual F@#K is going on right now? What has happened to nursing? Tell me your thoughts everyone. I am so broken hearted for everyone, including myself. I see myself in every word of that letter...
Comments